Well, I finally decided to break down and upgrade to a paid account for my old journal, irradescent so that I could do one of those handy mass privacy editing things. So anyway, that's where you can find me from now on.

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday weekend and that I'll see you at my other journal (and now I've got a year's worth of backdating these entries onto that account).

It's been awhile since I've really gotten into reading my Bible. I've been trying to read it daily these past two weeks, but it doesn't always happen, and even when it does, I don't have any real direction, just kinda flip open random pages.

Well, yesterday I woke up with a song in my heart, and the good mood followed me all day. Even though work was insanely busy (Palm Sunday, so people came straight from church to the restaurant) and I sold 97 buffets (25-40 is the average), I still had peace in my heart and still was praising God through out the day. I came home from work still in good spirits and did some reading while enjoying a steamy hot bubble bath. I especially love Psalm 145:
( God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those ready to quit. )

One of my former coworkers was shot to death on Monday. I wasn't close to him, but he was a good kid and one of the people there I actually really liked. Tia, do you remember Omar?

R.I.P.

Having a shooting dream is not uncommon for me. I've had several, and in the past 6 months alone I've had about 7 or so. Infact, that's how I'm convinced I will die.

But I hadn't had one recently, until last night. It was St. Patrick's day, and I was downtown and had to go to the bathroom. I went to a bar and bought a drink, just so I could use the toilet. Well then I was waiting at the Wood St T station when this guy came up and pulled out a gun. There were about 5 of us lined up against the benches and we all curled into balls and just waited. I started praying to God, asking him to take me into his kingdom when I died and asking that it wouldn't hurt.

The amazing thing was, it didn't hurt because I didn't die. It was like I was invincible. Two people died, but the other three of us, we were still alive because were had been praying for God to intervene. Well, then we got on the bus (the 86B, I think) and the guy was still there, following us, so we started praying over the whole bus for God's protection and it worked! No one on the bus was even touched by the bullets and then I just got up in the middle of the bus and started praising God (which is definitely in a dream because I'm so shy and usually keep things to myself. Like, with praying and praising, I'll do it silently, especially in public, but if God's keeping a bus full of people safe, he deserves to be praised out loud to the Heavens.) and then asking anyone if they wanted to talk to me about him, like the non-believers, since everyone on the bus had just witnessed a miracle/divine intervention. And a woman did want to talk to me, so I started reading to her from John (I'm really not sure how to witness to people. I wish I could take an Effective Witnessing class or something.) and just telling her about God.

It was a really cool dream overall. Like, usually when I have shooting nightmares I wake up all freaked out and shaking, but this one was peaceful and had a happy ending. :)

RECOVER YOUR HAPPINESS




A--Accept
Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.

B--Break Away
Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.

C--Create
Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.

D--Decide
Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.

E--Explore
Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself.

F--Forgive
Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.

G--Grow
Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.

H--Hope
Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.

I--Ignore
Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.

J--Journey
Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow.

K--Know
Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.

L--Love
Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness.

M--Manage
Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life.

N--Notice
Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.

O--Open
Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for.

P--Play
Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.

Q--Question
Ask many questions, because you're here to learn.

R--Relax
Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.

S--Share
Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.

T--Try
Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish.

U--Use
Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards.

V--Value
Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.

W--Work
Work hard every day to be the best person you can b e, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.

X--X-Ray
Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within.

Y--Yield
Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road.

Z--Zoom
Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.

( SEVEN CIRCLES )

First, thanks for all the nice comments people left me. I'm feeling, well, not better, but more numb. I had therapy and it was the first time I've ever cried in her office. And boy, did I cry.

And then I went to see my little sister and now I'm praising God for small blessings. There's nothing like having a backpack race (don't ask. let me just say that I'll bring knee pads next week.) with a goofy 12 year old to put things into perspective.

I did have a good therapy session, and I have a lot of stuff to reflect on. I think I'm going to go dig up Sissy's Tree63 cd and blast some praise music while I clean my room. I've got to do some emotional house cleaning as well.

A hot bath. Early bedtime (though some would argue that I go to bed early when I "stay up late."). Work tomorrow, then talking to Cory and starting my next fast tracks class, Child Welfare.

i'm such an evil witch and i treat my boyfriend horribly.

i'd probably treat other people horribly if i could get anyone to be near me. i'm so fucking depressed right now. i can't stop crying. i just want held, but i don't blame cory for not wanting to hold me.

Do we turn our clocks forward tonight or tomorrow?(though it might be nice to be an hour late to work tomorrow morning)

I miss my cousin. We used to be so close growing up and she was one of my best friends, but once she got to college we started drifting apart, and the last time I saw her (last summer) she was a stranger.

Darn Myspace. I really wish I were able to delete it.

Hey everyone!

It's been 5 weeks since my last update. I've been reading livejournal here and there since then, but really randomly. In the next week or so I plan on going to each person on my friends list and catching up on individual journals. I've missed yinz!!

My roommate caved and ordered DSL a couple weeks ago, and on Thursday jtmulc came and set things up for us. Well, wouldn't you know that my laptop chose the day before to break. Well, actually, the day before it started to fizzle out and Thursday it actually broke. It takes a reeeeeeeeeaaaalllllllly long time to boot (like 20 minutes) and then just as long to think about everything else. The suckiest part is that out of my three computer geek friends, none of them knows squat about Macs. I did give jtmulc permission to play with it and see if he could fix it. At this point I don't think things could get much worse, only just better. I'm using my roommie's laptop now, but I'm still getting used to the two mouse button thing, and the stupid "link opens when you hover over it" thing, and just the way the keyboard's different (I'm such a Mac snob), plus I'm rarely home and awake, so I'm not sure how often I'll be updating. You can click the cut for the full story on the past month.

So give me time to catch up with everyone, and if anything significant has happened in the past month, please leave me comments and tell me.

( life )

PS. prayithelps, I have had a letter for you for awhile now, but I couldn't find your address. I just found it today so I'll be mailing it out on Monday. I'm sorry it's taken so long.

I went to the KEYS Service Corps's Martin Luther King day of service thing for my roommate's Americorps program. She's in the same program I served in 2 years ago, and it was nice seeing some of my old friends there. The thing itself wasn't anything big. The program is mentoring and tutoring at-risk youth in the Pittsburgh area, and the Corps members had video taped children from their sites reciting Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech, which was pretty cool. It was sweet seeing the really young children trying to proudly pronounce some of the bigger words. :) They also had a quilt making station, a care package station (they're donating things to homeless shelters in the area) and poetry readings.

I'm around. Feeling down. School starts in two weeks. Just ordered my textbook. Thankfully I have one new class a month so I can break down the cost of things. Might be going to see Edward Scissorhands tonight, but I'm not happy as to how I got these tickets. The world that was my brother has been shaken.

Feeling down. Blame it on the rain (la la la) or my pending period. Can't wait to get back on the Ring. Stupid Pills screwed me up physically all this past week.

Mad at my GM. Counting the days til my anniversary. Counting the months til my surgery. Counting the months til I graduate. Counting the months til I apply for Peace Corps. Meeting with a recruiter next month. Can't wait.

Feeling like I'm never gonna get married, never gonna have kids, never gonna get out of Eat n Park land. I know these are all myths, or atleast the last one is, but it's just one of those days.

Am finally going to get a Little, and I'm also going to start a tutor/mentor program elsewhere as well.

I really wish I had a car today. I don't feel like riding the bus home just to turn around and come back to Oakland. But such is life.

Just finished with the emailing and skimming over livejournal. I'm at the library and a couple things came in for me, including the new Dee Henderson book (thank you to whoever on here said she received a copy because I had no idea Dee had a new book out) and Ani's Little Plastic Castles came in for me as well. I've got to clean my room (hard core) and that's a good cleaning cd. Bummed I can't find my original copy, and I've got to get another copy of Tori's Choirgirl cd (in the past 10 or so years since it came out I've already worn out two copies of that album).

The Children's Museum is hiring, so I think I'm going to apply there. I've wanted to work there for a couple years now and I just got an email this morning about an opening. How I hate writing cover letters, though. A school I've never heard of is also hiring, for a teacher's assistant/aide, so I think I'm going to send my resume there as well.

What else? Nothing really. My life's been relatively boring lately. Lots of work, a bit of an emotional break down on Saturday (not work related, believe it or not. I was having a lovely morning and then just all of a sudden felt sad and then spent like 4 hours that evening bawling. Still not sure why.). Talked to Susan yesterday, which is always nice, but it also left me feeling sad because I miss her. The previous three summers I'd seen for atleast a couple weeks each summer, but this past summer I saw her for a total of two and a half days (and not even all at once), so, you know.

Planning on seeing Edward Scissorhands this weekend if there are still tickets left.

And I guess that's about it. I'm suppose to start being trained in the kitchen at work tomorrow. I hope that goes well. Hopefully since I wasn't put on the schedule to be trained that means that they've already got enough help in the kitchen and the manager can spend the whole time training me instead of having to stop and help the other employees and stuff (because my store has no common sense when it comes to staffing the place with a trainee around).

Have a lovely day, week, whatever.

Coincidentally, the first and last books that I've read this year both have something to do with "fat chick empowerment." The first book I read this year was Peaches by Jodi Lynn Anderson. It wasn't good enough to recommend, but it didn't drag to the point that I could not finish it. It took place on a peach orchard and it was about three teenage girls. One was a deliquent doing community service, another was the niece of the orchard owner and the third was the owner's daughter, who was a kind of "loser", but by the end of the book I was smiling and cheering her on. The last book that I'll have read this year is Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. I've been meaning to read this book for 4 years now, ever since the first time someone recommended it to me, and my roommate's guest that was up this weekend finished reading it while she was here and left it for us to borrow.
Fantastic. It starts out with the main character, Cannie, being nationally dissed in a magazine column that her ex-boyfriend has written, which totally grabs you from page 2. And basically it's about her coming to love her body and herself. I think every woman, whether you've ever been overweight or you've just felt like you were, should read this book. It reminds me of something Ani might've written. Or maybe I'm just too smitten so I'm mixing those two together, but yeah, what a wonderful way to end this year, book-wise.

ask me about friday and about yesterday.

tomorrow, when i'm off work and over cory's and have an internet connection.

i have to go to work now, but i do plan on updating about this past weekend, if someone is nice enough to remind me.

i hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend. i sure did.

Last night was the first time in weeks that I actually got to bed before midnight and didn't have to wake up til 8:30am, but I had about 4 nightmares, including watching a dog eat a young child, so it was restless sleep and all I want to do is curl up in a corner at the library and sleep. I've got to go to work in a couple hours, though.

I just had to come here and pick up Meg Cabot's new adult book, Size 14 is Not Fat Either, and then I'm on my way back home. I feel like a bag lady, since I haven't been home since Tuesday morning and I've managed to collect a couple bags of things, what with the Christmas party on Tuesday and all.

No clubbing tonight. I think I'm going to venture down to the Waterfront tomorrow and pick up Crystal's gift, and possibly my mom's, if I don't find her something here. And then tomorrow evening we're volunteering with the AIDS Task Force and then going out dancing. James, do you have any preference where we go? It was going to be the Matrix, but one person thinks it sucks and another person requested a place without a cover charge. The only place I can think of that doesn't charge is Pegasus. Heheh, you and Cory can dance together. ;)

Anyways, I'm gonna go drop off my books, get a shower, put on some clean clothes and go to work. Have a happy holiday if I don't get on again before then.

Yeah, this past weekend thru next monday I have something going on every evening.

Friday Cory took me to the Phipps Conservatory, a huge flower and plant place that's one of my favoritest places in Pittsburgh. :) :)

Saturday I went to a Christmas party and had a truly lovely time. :)

Sunday Crystal, Cory and I went and got a Christmas tree. If I can figure out how to send pictures from my phone I'll take some shots.

Today Crys and I might go bowling.

Tomorrow is Chick Nite!!! Haven't seen my girls in a YEAR.

Wednesday I've got a hot movie date.

Thursday clubbing at the Upstage.

Friday clubbing at the Matrix.

Saturday a not hot movie date, possibly more clubbing, if I've got the energy.

Sunday Christmas Eve at my great granpap's.

Monday Christmas with my folks, then going to my scary Gram's for dinner.

So yeah, busy Shel Bel. I can't wait, though. I've been stressed to the point of tears recently. This week is definitely well deserved.

I've got to take a field trip to my landlord's office, then another one to the Waterfront. That place scares me, but I'm determined to --- Ooh, actually, no I don't. I'll make Cory take me to the Mall on Wednesday since we'll be near there at the theater.

But the bus to my landlord's place is due in a couple minutes, so I'll talk with you all later.

*toodles*

I'm shaking off a virus. I was feeling run down yesterday, and today I totally slept thru volunteering (I feel badly about that) and class (I don't feel anything about that). I'm usually up by 8am cause I'm a morning person, but I did not get out of bed til 1:30pm today, and that's only because I had to drag myself to work.

And then I had to train this woman that all she did was talk, talk, talk.....not to me, but to the servers and the customers. Real nice woman, but very crappy trainee.

Hopefully I can shake this thing by tomorrow, cause I'm off in the evening (I usually work the 4-11pm shift, but they need me in the day time tomorrow) and I'd love to go to Pegasus (a dance club). I haven't been there since 2003, and it is a younger crowd (18+), but if you're over 21 you don't have to pay a cover charge. So Pittsburghers, come dance with me!

I wish people that really knew me read this, because I have a million (okay, like 4) questions I'd like to ask about myself, but unfortunately I'm the only one who is inside my head. I'm rather random and sometimes blunt on here, but I think this are still kind of superficial with what I share and what I don't. I've started therapy again. I've reconnected with the only therapist that I've liked out of four. It was interesting when she was reading me bits about my file from 2002. Some of the stuff I remembered. Others I was like "what the heck?!" I'm beginning to realize that I expect too much from people. I'm constantly beating myself up, which is one thing, but I also expect a lot from other people and maybe other people can't give that much. So I guess I'd like to address that issue in therapy. We'll see.

In other news, I gave my presentation on Wednesday, so I'm now officially done with the semester. I've got a C with all my test grades, and I won't know my Hill project grade until December 10th or so, because we've still got two more weeks of presentations, but I should finish the class with a C, which is a lot better than I thought I'd have originally. This guy is definitely the type where you earn your grade. If you can manage an A, it's because you've worked, not because he's an easy grader. I do have a final to take, but that's optional. I will be taking it, because who knows, maybe I can finish with a B. And I can't wait til next semester. Those'll be some very intense classes, but I think I'll enjoy them.